It’s how I am. I’m lazy and unorganised.
I always fall in to that typical trap that I, and fellow procrastinators, come up with. I think of getting organised as an actual step towards doing something.
It’s such a lie but it’s a comfortable one.
That’s what I’ve been doing today. I organised my desk and my notes and my materials.
Smart, Waq.
Before I carry on let me just let you know that there wasn’t all that much wrong with me but I needed to present the doctor with an excuse for why I didn’t go to work today. I told him my stomach was upset and that I’d had problems in the morning.
His response was to administer me antibiotics and get me on an IV drip for lost fluids in the clinic. I had to sit there for an hour. Not good times.
When I saw the sick note it was for only one day. I’m going to have to go in there again tomorrow… Woe is me!
I smile. I have this huge smile and I flash my teeth and my face lights up. I look at a person and smile at them and make them think it’s just for them. I smile sincerely and wholeheartedly. I smile with everything I have. My soul smiles.
That’s when I’m happy; content; comfortable.
When I’m sad; when I feel empty; when I feel hollow; when I’m broken my smile is the same. I have this huge smile. I flash my teeth and my face lights up. I look at a person and smile at them and make them think it’s just for them. I smile but it’s not sincere and it’s certainly not wholehearted. I smile just on the surface. My face might smile but my soul is removed. My soul is detached.
To the observer there isn’t much difference. Their response is often the same in either case. People don’t see the cracks in the surface of the visage.
It’s easier to ignore them. It’s easier to look at the superficial and ignore the emptiness below. We all do it everyday. We all choose what face we present to the world on a daily basis. We choose to say “I’m fine” when we’re not and we choose to believe “I’m fine” when they’re really not. “I’m fine” isn’t fine. It’s the biggest lie we tell.
It’s a bigger lie than my smile.
Oh my God, what an intense question. What we understand to be the truth and how we use that in our lives is different for people. Some people deal in black and white; a world of absolutes; of truth and lies. Other people don’t see the world in the same way; they see the world in shades of grey where everything is debatable and there’s no such thing and truth or a lie.
I try not to lie. It’s not a trait I like in other people and it’s certainly not one I like to display in myself. Saying that, if I had to, I sometimes bend the truth or avoid answering a question in a direct or full manner. It’s fairly easy to present a person with an answer or information that might strictly be true but could be misconstrued as a lie in their eyes if they had full information. The fact is that almost every lies at some point or other and I’ve done it a couple of times very recently.
