May 29, 2012
I just got the best best best news!

Alhamdulilah.

I can’t really say what it is here. If you’re curious ask me and I’ll tell you privately.

May 10, 2012
That moment when you climb in to a still warm bed in a cold room after Fajr…

It’s the best.

4:08am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVTONyLCed1y
  
Filed under: alhamdulilah islam muslim fajr 
March 11, 2012
Alhamdulilah

Such a beautiful sunrise. I took some pictures. I’ll upload them later.

6:29am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVTONyHorVH8
  
Filed under: sunrise fajr alhamdulilah 
January 18, 2012
I’m letting myself think of England…

and the things that will need to be done when I get back. I’m thinking about the route my life will take. I’m thinking about my family. I’m thinking about my friends. I’m thinking about the person I need to be when I step off the plane.

When I stepped off the plane and landed in Saudi Arabia I made a few promises to myself and, alhamdulilah, I kept them.

I have promises in my mind right now that I want to make to myself when I walk in to the Heathrow terminal on that cold Thursday morning on March first. I want to promise myself that I’m going to be a certain version of myself, the best version of myself, from that day on.

I’ll have an idea what path it is that I’ll be walking when I step off that plane this time tomorrow. I’ll have an idea of what the future holds in store for me.

I’m regaining my optimism. I’m regaining my hope. I feel like my life has direction for the first time in month - maybe the first time ever.

It’s liberating.

It’s ironic that starting to walk a path that will bind me to it for the rest of my life is incredibly liberating.

January 18, 2012
Alhamdulilah. I feel like a burden has lifted.

I performed istikhara with isha tonight. I’ve been meaning to do it for days and weeks now but I’ve been avoiding it. I think I wasn’t ready to really know what to do. I don’t think I was really ready to step forwards and know how to proceed. I didn’t want to perform the istikhara because I was scared.

For those of you who don’t know the istikhara is a prayer of guidance. It’s a prayer where you have a decision to make and you leave the path you take to Allah. You ask Allah to give you knowledge and power as it all comes from Him. You ask Allah to help make your path easy if it is righteous in the name of Islam, your personal well-being, and the best for your afterlife. You ask Allah to take you away from that path if it is damaging for your faith, your well-being, and your afterlife. Instructions on how to perform it are here.

I asked Allah to make my decision to go home, to England, for the best. I asked Allah to make leaving Saudi for the best. I asked Allah to realise if it’s the best decision for me to go home on March first. Alhamdulilah, as soon as I completed the prayer a wave of euphoria ran through me. I got a rush of warmth surge through me. It felt right. I have faith in Allah. I know now that going home will be for the best. All doubts have been removed.

Tomorrow I’ll pray istikhara again. The istikhara for tomorrow is going to be even bigger than the one I performed today. The istikhara tomorrow will shape the path the rest of my life takes.

December 28, 2011
Alhamdulilah

I’ve had a really great birthday. There’s been so much love all around. I’m totally spoilt.

Just like someone who’s spoilt… one more thing would have made it totally perfect but it wasn’t meant to be. C’est la vie. I looked out for it all day but… forget it. It’s fine. It’s better this way.

I have so much to be thankful for. My 29th year was a year of realisation. My 30th year is going to be about setting the foundations for the rest of my life. It’s going to be my most pivotal year in so many ways.

I hope you all come along for the ride!

Today I got my first real glimpse in to what it feels like to be tumblr famous. There’s so much responsibility! It’s kind of overwhelming. It’s too much! I’m so glad I’m not tumblr famous.

December 21, 2011
The last nine days have been surreal

Surreal is an understatement.

At times it’s been the hardest period of my life so far - and this isn’t an understatement. There were some incredibly dark moments. I don’t even want to begin to explain my thoughts and feelings.

Alhamdulilah, by the grace of Allah, things weren’t as bad as they could have been. Things could have been so much worse.

Anyway… Everything’s changed. It seems like there’s resolution to this part of my life. It finally feels like it’s time to really move forward.

I know a huge part of me is going to be stuck here for a long time but I’m going to try my very best to not dwell on this period of my life. I’m going to force myself to move forward. I’m going to try my hardest to take steps I’ve never let myself take before. May Allah give me strength.

This brings up whole new questions, though. This brings up whole new problems. I still have really big decisions to make about my own life. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I’m even more torn about that than I was 9 days ago. May Allah guide me.

December 7, 2011
I read this article on the Guardian website a couple of days ago and I can’t shake it

It’s really horrifying and it’s about something I’ve never really thought about - male rape. It focuses on male rape in terms of war zones and some of the things that happen to men. The article itself is actually a few months old but it’s no less relevant now than it was when it was written.

Hopefully it will also move you in to wanting to do something about the situation like it has me. There are so many horrible things in this world that really shock me at times. It’s like I want to be out there working with these people - these people who are ignored by society and the world at large. These people who need the most help are ostracised and their plight obfuscated and hidden away.

I want to be out there in whatever way I can to make as much difference as possible. Alhamdulilah, I feel blessed that there are things I can do to help and I’m going to make sure I work with that one day. I feel blessed that I was born to the family I was in the part of the world I was. I promise you all that I will take time out of my life and go somewhere people need help and provide it in whatever way I can one day soon.

Anyway, read the article… It’s long but it’s really worth your time. Warning: It’s full of triggers and descriptions that will make you nauseous in the very least.

Read More

November 2, 2011
The world is such a beautiful place

All you have to do is look a little bit past your nose and you open yourself to such wonders and delights.

Alhamdulilah.

October 20, 2011
People are shit

Should Gaddafi have been killed? He was a horrible person but it’s not my place to judge him. A court would have been far better but that’s moot now. He’s gone.

Should people desecrate his body? No!

I understand emotions run high but you’ve reached the point you wanted to reach. Rebuild your country. Try to fix things. Mutilating a body isn’t going to fix the situation you’re in.

I’m happy that the Libyans can start rebuilding now. Alhamdulilah. May Allah make the path of that wounded nation easy.

October 9, 2011
My greatest ever achievement

Okay, this post is going to be kind of sprawling but I don’t care.

I landed in Saudi Arabia just before Fajr on the 10th of October 2010. Today marked a full year in Saudi. 365 days. I’ll write a post about my year here tomorrow but this isn’t about that.

Let me give you some back story and then tell you about what I achieved today. Before I came to Saudi I wasn’t the best Muslim in the world. I never stopped believing in Allah or even doubted my faith but I didn’t pray much at all. I used to pray Jumma and that was about it - and that was in a good week.

I decided to make sure I got my salah in order in Saudi and it started right away. As soon as I checked in to my hotel I prayed Fajr. In the first few days after I landed I maintained praying five times a day and realised that I had prayed more frequently in those days, weeks, and months since landing in Saudi than I had at any other point in my life.

I just finished praying Isha. That prayer signifies 365 days since I missed my last prayer… Isha on October 9th 2010. I have prayed five times a day, every single day, since then.

Alhamdulilah.

I feel my faith is stronger now than it ever has been at any point in my life before. I feel my understanding of what God means to me is better now than it ever was before. I feel I’m a better Muslim now than I ever have been before. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m not saying my journey is complete - this is just a first step, but I can see the path in front of me and I know what I need to do to walk it.

Something that has been on my mind for the last year since I started on this journey of spiritual renewal was a Hadith that I would like to share with you now. On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Allah the Almighty said: I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.

I walked towards Allah and I am testament to the fact that Allah embraces those who open their hearts to Him.

The best piece of advice I can give any of my Muslim brothers and sisters out there who struggle to pray is that you should just start praying and not stop for anything. It might be hard at first, especially waking up for fajr, but if you maintain your resolve you can do it for sure.

I feel like my life has been in extremes in so many ways. I used to be extremely fat until I resolved to change my situation and I lost 45kg/100~lb. I used to be extremely lazy when it came to education until I changed my resolve and started working which helped me get very good bachelors and masters degrees. I used to be off the path of Islam until I changed my resolve and Allah blessed me, like He has over and over, and now I’m working towards becoming a better Muslim everyday.

Who knows what I’ll resolve to do next and how that works out for me…

(I know there are so, so many people who haven’t missed a single prayer in years and years but when you compare the me now to the person I was a short while ago the changes are very drastic and I feel like my whole life has changed)

October 3, 2011
You know,

I’m about to hit a really big milestone in my life next week… It’s going to be a huge one, in sha Allah, and I can’t wait to share it with all of you guys.

I think it’s going to be one of my greatest ever achievements and one that is going to develop more yet.

Some of you are going to be so happy for me and a whole bunch of you, especially those who have known me for a long time, are going to be incredibly shocked but it’s something really big and something that I, personally, never ever thought I’d say.

When I think about it the only word that comes to mind is ‘alhamdulilah’.

September 30, 2011
Replies…

only4months replied to your post: Replies…

this anon needs a life hahaha really! be have with what you got,dude :)

Haha… I didn’t mind the anon’s comments too much. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I’m not self-conscious enough to worry too much about a comment here or there. Alhamdulilah, I’m more than happy with the way I look. I know how hard a journey it’s been for me to reach the point where I am now and the effort it takes for me to maintain this level. I’m totally happy with the way I look.

nadia11 replied to your photoset: The beard has gone. The scruffy stubble has gone….
I like this look better..

Thanks, Nads. I like this look better too. I don’t know why but there’s a kind of… cleanliness to it. I like the smoothness of my face. It feels great.

bootyandthefeast replied to your photoset: The beard has gone. The scruffy stubble has gone….
Oh my gosh. Your jaw-line is so…pointy. :P

Haha, yeah… it is kind of pointy. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Why do I get the feeling you were going to use a different adjective at first :P

bermudianabroad replied to your post: Day 02 – The Most Underrated Movie
a great film, though also a pretty good lesson in why you should ALWAYS TAKE A MAP.

More than ‘take a map’ I would say take a better book on letting you know what is and isn’t edible!

September 13, 2011
Seriously, guys, I’m NOT emo…

But I feel like crying right now.

So much has gone wrong this morning. Things are crazy impossible right now and I’m getting hit from every side.

I don’t know how what to do.

I’m going to pray and ask Allah for help through all this.

September 7, 2011
Replies…

ithedivine said: it probably will stay with you forever and yeah thats exactly what i meant, it doesn’t sound weird i know exactly what you mean.

It’s so cool that you understand. It’s like there’s someone out there who really gets my mental state. I guess you can only really understand if you’ve reached that place, you know, and lived through it and beyond it.

jumana replied to your post: So I spent a week in Dubai…well, at least you t’es changé les idées. :P

Jums! I don’t know what that means… something about changing my ideas? Explain :P

thatslegit replied to your post: have a great day tomorrow! remember to enter the…

complete sense. I approve of such optimism :)

You know, optimism is my default position in life. It’s just, recently, there have been a few difficult things going on with me but, alhamdulilah, I feel like I’m past it all now. The worst of it is behind me and I have some wonderful things to look forward to, in sha Allah.

lavieaunoir replied to your post: So, I had a secret tumblr…

Keep your head up mate, you’ve done the right thing.

I miss writing there. It was kind of liberating. Sure, the topic was stifling and limited but that didn’t matter. It served a very specific purpose. Right now things are all good so it doesn’t matter but it helped when things weren’t so good, you know.

leavemetodream answered your question: So… I’m going to start taking driving lessons in Saudi again…

Saudi roads are treacherous! Be careful!

Oh my God! I knew that they were treacherous but really experienced it the hard way yesterday morning.

explicithandlz replied to your post: Do you know what I love?
I totally agree! Although I prefer cold showers, a warm shower once in a while is nice. Nirvana!

Pssshhhh :P Cold showers aren’t fun at all! Actually, they only work after intense cardio workouts. Nirvana are the best at any time of day or night.

explicithandlz replied to your post: So, I had a secret tumblr…
I made the mistake of writing secret private facebook notes, back in the day, and one day accidentally posted on publicly. It’s much better to keep this stuff closer to the vest. A journal is a better idea

Well… I didn’t mind my words being public but it was just that I wanted the audience to be removed. I felt I couldn’t write about things on this blog. I have a journal but I’m not disciplined enough to write in it. I just have to train myself.

free-syrian replied to your post: Don’t worry… I’m fine but this is fucked up… I could have died
Oh my god.

I know, right? I’m glad I was in the white car and not the black one…

foudaism replied to your post: My left knee still hurts from yesterday.
Omg you had a CAR CRASH!! Inshallah like you say it’s nothing serious, but still you should see a doctor! Get well soon.

Yeah, it was much worse than my last car crash too. My last one was just a small bump. This one was serious. The other car suffered so much damage but the driver was fine, alhamdulilah. I don’t really need to see a doctor. It’s only my knee that hurts and it’s not really all that bad, to be honest. It’ll be fine tomorrow, I think.

nadia11 replied to your post: My left knee still hurts from yesterday.
Hope it gets better soon..

Thank you :) In sha Allah, it will.